I had intended to spend a very entertaining afternoon and evening by swearing at the bunk bed I bought for Dassi as I put it together. However, upon arrival at the furniture store, I discovered that the bloody bed won't fit in my car. I am so bored now. I've trimmed my hedges and weeded and window shopped. I even went to the movies and saw Public Enemies, but now I am really bored. There is absolutely nothing to do around here.

I so rule! I did 108 cartons of shipment all by myself at Disney today.

Meanwhile, Dan had the audacity to suggest that if he gave me money that I would just spend it on DVDs. WTF! I am working my ass off at Disney for a freakin pittance, I can barely pay my bills. I make less than $20,000 a year, and he thinks I'm going to waste child support and alimony on movies? He's a bigger idiot than I thought.He's got some nerve.

Not much is new here. I have a new tutorial and a new Disney shipment to deal with tomorrow. I am trying to scrape together my car payment.

I love being single again though. No one but myself to drive crazy.

So, I am living moment to moment. I am enjoying being on my own even if the money is extremely tight. I've been having weird dreams about a certain person--not Dan--and wondering where they are coming from and what they mean. Dassi is being worn out completely in camp. She's been very cranky when I've picked her up, and she is so overtire she has trouble getting to sleep. I wonder if I'll ever be able to just take off a summer and hang out with her.

Dan and I are being very civil. Much more civil than when we were together. Dassi has taken the separation well, I think. Maybe, she has less stress to deal with now that there isn't tension all around.  I am very lonely when she's not here.

I just read "The Daughter of Time" by Josephine Tey. It was a great read. I am going to have to get some new books. I am tired of reading the old ones over and over again.

I was so very proud of Dassi today. She had her five year old check-up and ended up having to get four shots. She got them in her arms and she didn't cry at all. Not only that, she never complained once all day about her arms hurting. I dropped her off at camp, did my tutoring gig, went shopping, and picked her up, and she was chipper and cheerful. After camp we took a picnic to the beach and swam around for an hour. We stopped for ice cream at the DQ and then went home. She took her bath, dried off, put on her new Snow White nightgown and promptly went to bed. We've been having such a good time. I called Dan and asked if he would help me to have her tomorrow and Friday as well.  Originally, I was just going to have him pick her up after camp and take her to his house as I work until 6pm, but I can't bear to be parted from her just yet. So, Dan will pick up from camp tomorrow and take her to the park, and I will meet them there. That way, I can have her tomorrow and Friday.

It's awfully lonely here without her.

It's lonely here tonight without Dassi, and without Mom and Dad, too, but especially without Dassi. I didn't get called into work today, so I spent the day mucking about the house. I did go out and buy some stuff--a box for Dassi's Barbies and other dollar store items, but mostly I hung around here doing laundry and opening and sorting boxes. I've run out of things to do now and am bored. Dassi is with Dan the next 4 days.

I couldn't make it 3 days without getting into it with Tifine. She came to visit, and then was completely rude. She left messes everywhere, jumped down my throat when I corrected Taylor yet she consistently corrected Dassi, piddled around making us late for everything, and was completely self centered. Of course, when I pointed out that it isn't all about her, she acted like a complete bitch. I'm sorry, but one of the primary reasons I moved out was because I was tired of dealing with a narcissistic mess-maker.

Otherwise, my parent's visit has been nice. Tifine and Taylor left yesterday. Dassi and I were alone last night. She went right to bed in my bed and, of course, wet the bed. I slept in her bed last night. Today we plan to get the rest of my furniture out of storage in Laurel.

I had a perfectly wonderful evening of moving furniture into my new house on Monday. My friends came over with their truck and we moved the bed and the other big stuff. All I have left at Dan's are some boxes and clothes and my printer. Anyway, I went to bed at 11pm. I woke up at 7am with severe pain in my right arm and I was very stuffed up (it's allergy season in DE). So, I took two Aleve and a Sudafed and went back to bed. 15 minutes later the room was spinning. I couldn't sit up. I felt sick to my stomach. I was dizzy. I remember calling 911, but after that I don't remember anything except waking up in the hospital a few hours later. Apparently, I had a bad reaction to the Sudafed. It may or may not have been the interaction of the Sudafed, Aleve, and the Xanax I had last night...or it could have just been the Sudafed as I haven't taken it for years because I am not supposed to take decongestants because of my heart issue. (I have an electrical delay in my heart and stress, decongestants, caffeine, etc...can trigger episodes of tachycardia. However, I have never given up caffeine, and I haven't had an episode for several years.)  Dan came to the hospital and drove me home. I was kind of embarrased about that because I wouldn't have called him. But apparently the hospital did as he was my emergency contact on record. Anyway, I basically got nothing done yesterday. I did go into work, but I felt competely drained. Notmuch else is new. Leica is in 7th heaven over the new place. I could almost hear her say, "No other cats, no men, you should have done this a long time ago! It's the best idea you have ever had."  Now, I need to have a social life.

The papers are signed. I started moving in. I feel exhilarated and heartbroken at the same time. My own place...the end of an era...Granted, that era has been very unhappy for many years now, but still I can look back nostalgically to the fun we used to have. However, I am starting to feel more like myself again. I talked to my therapist Wednesday. She said I was the happiest divorcee she had ever seen. Yes, it feels good to be in charge of my own destiny again, but I'll have to admit I'll miss the company or rather the ideal of what we could have had. I am going to have to move on now as scary as that is.

I am still spending the night at Dan's place until I get help to move the bed and other assorted furniture although Patricia and I greatly reduced the number of boxes stacked up in my room. I'll take another load over tomorrow before I go to work.

Everything is new...

I woke up this morning to find Dan prowling around in my room. When I asked him he says, "Oh, I was just checking on you." WHATEVER. I would like to know a) since when has he given a shit how I am doing? and b) how does one check on somebody as far as one can possibly be in distance from that person while snooping through their stuff?

However, in the good news today, I sold the Taurus for $200! (Dan only got $75 for his car that had a busted transmission because he didn't shop around.) I also may get to move out this weekend. Everything is ready to go, so as soon as the settlement attorney is ready, we can close. Mom is going to give my realtor limited POA to sign for her and Dad on the title, and as soon as that's done, I can start moving in. Big sigh of relief...

Dan crunched some numbers and came up with a settlement I can agree with. He will pay Dassi's tuition next year as well as take care of her Girl Scout stuff. I will pay for her ballet lessons, but he will pay for costumes, make-up, pictures, and recital tix. I get to take the furniture I want which is just my desk, vanity, dresser, bed, monkey and elephant lamps and two bookcases as my new house is furnished. Dan will also pay me $150 a month in alimony starting this fall and lasting for four years or until I remarry--which is never going to happen. I am through with marriage. We have also divided up Dassi's books and tonight we will do her DVDs. Holidays have also been settled on. Odd years he has her for X-mas Day, but I can take her to Ohio the day after X-mas through New Years. Even years I have her for X-mas Day and he has her for New Years. We will do the same for Thanksgiving/Passover/Easter. Halloween and Birthday we will do jointly. This summer we will play by ear as my Disney schedule isn't regular, but she will be at Beach Babies camp every day except the week my parents are down.

For Dassi's birthday, I am getting her a set of Tinkerbell luggage with her name embroidered on it as well as some stuff for her new kitchen that Mom and Dad are getting her. I can't believe she's going to be 5!

So, after dinner after the ballet recital, I have Dassholding one hand, and in my other is the doggie bag, Dassi's glasses, and my purse. I am trying to herd Dassi into the car while Dan calmly stands by empty handed and says, "Oh, you can handle it." I finally get Dassi into the car, and then I move to close the door a little in order to pass by to the passenger side door, and Dan has a cow. He stands there shouting that I am going to shut Dassi's hand in the door. I was really mad, and I told him straight up that he was being rude and inconsiderate. His answer, "I am not going to argue with you." Seriously, 15 more days, and I am so out of Sweetbriar hell...

Dassi was a little angel at her ballet recital. She was so happy to be wearing her little costume and the glittery make-up. She did a really nice job. I was really proud of her and all the girls at the studio. They have worked really hard.  Dassi had enough hairspray in to be a nice torch for several hours but her hair still came out. I had to stand her in the shower when we got home and melt it as well as scrub her face well to get all the glitter off, but her hair is now clean and the glitter is mostly gone. She had her three stories and fell promptly to sleep.

Not much else is new except the title to the station wagon has disappeared mysteriously (as have several things from my room.) I'll have to go stand in line Monday at the DMV to get a duplicate so I can unload it. I've been through every drawer and box and it's nowhere. I know he's been in through my stuff because I know where it should have been and it's not there, as well as other things I have stashed more recently and they're gone too. What really bothers me is that he lies about it and says he's not been in my room. Lies roll out of his mouth so easily, it's sickening.

Dan very calmly told me he wasn't going to pay a penny of Dassi's tuition over the summer. He presented me with this complete crap budget with completely inflated numbers to try and convince me that he has no spare money. Well, he may get away with it this summer, but I am going to make certain he pays her tuition next school year.

He is such a louse. He went into my room last week, took papers and some of my stuff. He had the nerve to ask me what I was doing in his room when I went to retrieve my stuff. He cracked the password on my computer and has been doing so much downloading that he's used 75% of my monthly allowance, and we're only a week into the month.  Then he told me that he expects me to work this summer. That I should be earning 24,000 a year.  He said I've been coasting along on his paycheck the last five years and he's not putting up with it anymore. Who the hell does he think he is?  Coasting? I have been paying more than my fare share of household expenses based on my income. What right does he have to dictate what I should or should not be making? He makes me so mad with his incessant bullying. You know what--screw him. I'm better on my own anyway. I need to stop ranting. It's just going to make me more upset.

I am busy packing. We close on my house in 20 days, and I will be able to move in as soon as the papers are signed. I am quite relieved to know what is going on despite the fact that I am broke.

What I am looking forward to:
Living where nobody else uses my razor, toothbrush, or deodorant...
Not having to clean up after a grown person who should be able to clean up after themself
Not having him undermine everything I say in front of Dassi
Not having my taste in movies, music, etc...critisized constantly
Not having my parenting style constantly attacked
Having a dishwasher
Being able to cook decent meals
Not living off chili

So, Dan was at least considerate this year. He gave me some money to take Dassi to a movie and have some girl bonding time. He went out and got Chinese for Dassi and me, but he never once said "Happy Mother's Day." Dassi brought me flowers and a card she had made in school and some she had made at home. You would at least think that Dan would say thank you to the woman who nearly died having his child, but apparently that is just too much to ask. I am in a very bitter and cynical mood. I feel like I have just wasted the last eight years of my life. I was going to go and get my Masters at Kent State before Dan entered my life, but there he was, and now I have a practically useless Bachelor's Degree (Yes, I have jobs that I love, but I can't support myself with them) and eight years of putting up with crap. I do have Dassi though. She's my miracle. But Dan is still trying to take her away from me.

I bought my bed today. I got a good deal, too. I got a Sealy Posturepedic  full size mattress, box springs, and frame set $1,000 value for 50% off. It's being delivered on Tuesday. Dan has promised to clean out the office tomorrow so that I can start moving my stuff in. I've already sorted out my DVDs from his, and I am making lists of all the furniture that was mine before we were married. I've also started moving my hygenic items into the half bath that is now to be mine. Of course, my shampoo and stuff for showering has to remain in the main bathroom unless I want to take sponge baths until I move out.

I worked Disney today. My feet are killing me. Sandy was the manager on duty, so I had to look busy even when we weren't. Thank G-d, tomorrow April is the manager on duty even if I do have to close. I got Dassi a spaghetti strap shirt, a long sleeved Minnie Mouse shirt, a Hannah Montana jean jacket (it didn't actually say Hannah Montana or have her picture on it or anything) and a fairies bikini with matching towel robe and jelly sandals. She was not impressed with anything except the bikini which she put on immediately.

Two coats of Kilz later, and I am wondering why I thought this was a good idea. Dassi and Dan got home just after I finished the first coat, and, of course, Dassi wants to help. She drove me absolutely up the wall while I was putting on the second coat. I am trying desperately to come up with a way she can help, that involves the paint, and won't look terrible afterwards.  Whilst painting and moving all her furniture I discovered that part of her floor under the carpet has rotted. There is a definite sinkhole. Oh well, I'll put the pink on tomorrow while Dan calls his dad. The painting that took place before the entrance of a certain four year old was very relaxing.

Dan made dinner! Granted it was a skillet meal, and I did have to locate the saucepan for him, but he didn't burn it, and it was edible. If only I could get him to make scrambled eggs properly!

Last night I wrote a new prologue to Idyllwild. I have merged the characters of Emerald and Jaret, but found I had to find motivation for Jaret. I was inspired by Godsmack's "Voodoo", and wrote a short, yet poignant (I hope) prologue that delves into his motivation. I still need to fix continuity errors in the novel itself among other things, but I feel better about it now. 

So, once again I am doing battle with the hacking of bronchitis. When will this end? According to my mom, I have woken her up two nights in a row with my hacking. I have to drug myself insensible just to get to sleep for a few hours. I do have an appointment with my ENT next Monday, but I know what he wants to do---he wants to surgically fix my septum, which according to him looks like an accordion. I don't have time for surgery!

Also, according to Dan the engine light in my car came on again--just after I got some sort of coil fixed. Of course, my mechanic guarantees his work, and I won't have to pay any more to have it fixed whatever it is. But also, Dan blew out a tire and my doughnut. If he doesn't get it fixed before I get back I am going to kill him.

I got to sleep finally this morning. Tifine came over at the crack of dawn and took us to the Cincy Zoo yesterday, which was nice, but I feel like I haven't had any sleep for weeks. So, I slept til 11:30am this morning. I don't know how long I'll get to sleep tomorrow because Mom wants to take Dassi shopping.

Why is it that I can never get to sleep on Sunday nights? I realize that I am an insomniac, and as a rule I count myself lucky if I manage a whole four consecutive hours, but Sunday nights are ridiculous...

So, in the course of conversation with my manager at Disney, I discovered that Disney will not allow male cast members to have beards even for religious reasons. This is totally illegal. According to the 1964 civil rights act discrimmination of religious beliefs is prohibited and EOE requires that employers accomodate worker's religious beliefs. And just to prove a point, I made a list of "good" Disney characters who would not be allowed to work at Disney: King Triton, 6 of the dwarfs, Merlin, Zeus, the Sultan, the Grand Duke, Fa Zhou, The Emperor of China, Yao, Genie, King Stephan, King Hubert, Phoebus, Phil, Amphitryon, General Li, and Professor Porter.... I am so totally going to point this out to my manager.

I finally managed to fix my computer--I don't know what happened, but suddenly Data Safe became corrupted and then she started freezing all the time. I somehow managed to fix it by messing around with it, but don't ask me what I did.

Libertad needs repaired already. Some sort of coil went bad. She's going in tomorrow to be fixed.

I have half convinced my first and second grade students that the teachers live on the third floor of TJS and we have a swimming pool, spa, movie theater, and bowling alley up there.

So, my day started off wonderfully. I was supposed to get out of bed at 5am to finish work because I crashed early last night--Sussex county is under a pollen alert and don't I know it---but I so did not get out of bed at 5am. I finally dragged my ass out of bed at 7:15am and then only because I had to. I seriously thought about calling off, but I wanted to rib Lisa some more about my Chucks (she won't let me wear them to meet Joan Rivers on Saturday--but that's ok, because I found a lime green dress and kinky blue boots, and I am dying my hair flaming red. I thought about a temporary tattoo of a peace sign or something controversial, but I don't think I have any skin to put it on besides my arms which is boring.) So, I went to school and actually got work done. And then I went and tutored and came home, ate, took a bath, and got to work. It's 10pm and I am finished! (Well, technically, I have stuff to grade for Thursday, but there are 26+ hours between now and Thursday when I have to give those papers back.)

I got a really nasty email from my father-in-law today. We (Dan and I) are incompetent and inconsiderate because the rent has been late 8 times in the past 12 months (I didn't know--I don't take care of that,) the car is not junked yet (not my department--I haven't even got a key for the bloody thing,) the porch is not cleaned off (where am I supposed to put the boxes? I have no room in the house or they would be inside,) Dan's cell phone on his father's account never had the battery replaced (again, not my department,) and we never call or email except when something around the house needs fixed. He never gets to see Dassi. (a) he's not my father, b) both Dan and I work full-time, both he and Denise work full-time and weird hours at that--we barely have time for ourselves let alone visits, and not once has he called or emailed requesting to see Dassi and suggested an appropriate time--he has not called at all. Furthermore, I don't like taking Dassi over there because CJ swears in front of her, and Denise smokes in front of her. Also, he's the freaking landlord/super. He should expect to get calls when the bathroom floor is caving in and the sink is leaking. G-d, he is such an asshole. I wish I could have sent him this list, but I was tactful-- I emailed him that he should address his son, not me, and I was seriously making plans to move Dassi and me out--which is absolutely true unless Daniel straightens up. So C.J. can go fuck himself.

Dan and I went to marriage counselling yesterday which was enlightening, but still isn't getting down to the nitty-gritty.  When do we get to the part about him being a complete slob? I totally have pictures of his messes.

Anyway, my finances seem to be back on track at last.

I woke up feeling fine, but by 1:30pm, I started to be incredibly tired, and at 2:30pm, I took a nap and woke up cranky and irritable about 4:45pm. My nose doesn't feel right, slight scratchy throat, headache, tired, achy, and my broken tooth is giving me fits...I can't get sick. I have too much to do, and the week is only just starting. I have TJS, tutoring, translations, and lectures to do tomorrow, reading group, housecleaners, TJS stuff, and Span 136 on Wednesday, TJS and Span 136 on Thursday, reading group on Friday and Spanish movie club, Disney on Saturday and Sunday, and then the whole process starts over again. Now, I can't get to sleep despite the Xanax which I am relying a little too heavily on of late.

Despite my malaise today, I got quite a few things done: I got the Comedy at the Beach thank yous written, ran errands for Patricia, tackled a good size portion of the this weeks translation, filed my taxes, made dinner, and sorted out TJS Spanish projects to last until the end of the year. Of course, I wanted to get the whole translation done, but when one is sneezing and having one's nose run all over one's computer, one, must give it a rest.

I officially have $0.00 in my bank account. I spent the very last penny buying gas, which I hope lasts until Thursday when I get my Disney check. After this week, though, it's pretty fair sailing. I'm getting a chunk on Friday and Tuesday (next) from TJS and DelTech which should amply cover until I am paid again. I totally hate that TJS and DelTech are on the same schedule now. Last semester they were opposite weeks, so I got a paycheck once a week, now I'm on an every two-week schedule, and I've had a hard time adjusting to that.

I need to at least try to sleep. 

Dan has been in rare form today. Last night, he told Dassi they would be making blueberry muffins for breakfast. I went to bed thinking yum yum. When I got up at 10am (after not having gotten to bed until 4am) they had indeed made muffins and eaten every single one of them. Then Mom calls and asks when Dassi and I are coming out over Spring Break. I defer to Dan who wants to spend the whole time sitting on his ass at home doing nothing. I tell Mom I will call her back. Dan yells at me until I have to go to work, and then he accuses me of "running away" from the conversation. Now, Dan, when he doesn't like how a conversation is going will just say he's going to bed, and, yes, I do accuse him of running away, but there is a world of difference between having to be at work on time and going to bed. Work at Disney store--need I say more. I return from work, and feel the urge to rearrange furniture. (I do this periodically--so does Dad--it's genetic) Dan has a cow, udders and all. How does my rearranging the furniture inconvenience him, I'd like to know? So, I rearrange furniture and feel really good. I discover there is room for me to get a desk of my own. I mention this to Dan. He rolls his eyes. Why? He's already monopolized the office. There's so much News Journal crap in there I can barely get to my teaching stuff. We have another arguement about how he speaks to me-- belittles and criticizes with every breath, and then he's upset that I raise my voice to protest this treatment. I turned on a lamp I really like that was given to me as a present, and he says he's going to throw it away because it's a "chatchkey". Hello! And his collection of Boy Scout Manuals through the ages isn't? I really don't understand how he justifies trying to throw away my stuff, but refuses utterly to part with anything of his. Beside the word "pack rat" in the dictionary there is a picture of my husband. Can my life get any crazier? I am working every weekend at Disney, teaching Spanish at Jefferson and DelTech, taking care of the ACA voicemail, doing translations, running errands for Patricia, tutoring, and trying to keep the house clean without help from Dan, and I am begrudged a few hours a week spent online. Of course, when I suggest that Dan might be depressed too, he utterly denies it. He's always yelling at me to see the doctor, stay on my meds, etc... and he won't take his own advice. Then, my therapist is incompetent because he doesn't like what she has to say. Are they all like this? I swear, women should rise up and single out any decent guys, keep them for breeding stock, and annihilate the rest. Life would be so much easier.